Face Time

I avoid mirrors; they lie, deceive, and confuse.

Whose face is that with deep crevices around the mouth, dark circles under the eyes, and sagging jawline?

Mine?

I search in vain for the woman (girl?) who once attracted males so eager to please whenever I stepped up to a counter, entered a room, or needed assistance.

I look, but she's gone.

Consequently, my new (old) face, avoids selfies, group shots or live-chats.

Most of the women in my family, on the other hand, are hooked on selfies. Why not? They're still young or young-ish. Wrinkles and frown lines are of no concern.

In September 1983, my mother--who died in 2015 at age 95--wrote an article for Essence magazine "Act My Age? At My Age?" describing her reaction to aging:

"I gazed in wonderment and disbelief at the drawn face! Whose face was that? Where was the smooth-complexioned, somewhat attractive face that I had been accustomed to seeing so many mornings? And when had that youthful face drifted into the past--leaving only a reasonable facsimile of me?"

Exactly.

Some of you are probably thinking, "Get over it. Everybody gets old."

True, yet, older women, unlike older men, aren't considered "distinguished" or "handsome," or "dignified." Well into their sixties and seventies, men date or marry women of all ages.

I despise the unflattering misconceptions about older women. Too often, we are considered:

• asexual
• physically unattractive
• "cougars" (read: predators) if we date younger men

Martha B. Holstein, guest editor for 2017-2018 edition of Generations, published by the American Society on Aging writes: 

"The message is clear and powerful--we are not socially valued, except in specific situations like the cuddly grandma role, and we are not expected to have anything to contribute. Each morning when I open my newspaper and scan the news from Washington, D.C., I am presented with a sea of men in suits. People that look like me are rarely at the table while matters affecting our lives are discussed. When other features of our identity-race, class, and disability--are added in, the potential for exclusion expands." 

Into her nineties, my mother, "Miss Kitty," would smile brightly for photos, not the least bit self-conscious about her aging countenance. 

The article explains her epiphany:

"...I took another look (in the mirror)…staring back at me...was the reflection of an older woman (who) appeared to be well-adjusted to and quite satisfied...that she was not only a mother and great-grandmother, but a great-great grandmother...I gave a silent prayer of thanks for my good health and for an astute and very active mind."

I loved my mother's 95-year old face! Above all, I cherished her quick wit, feisty spirit, and unabashed love of self.

She's my role model for accepting inevitable physical changes to my face and body and ignoring other's misguided perceptions of me.

Now, you might be wondering, "How old is she?"

Well, let's say, I am lucky enough to be blessed with four children, 12 grandchildren, and 12 great-grandchildren, all of whom love me just as I am.

Likewise, my interest in writing, politics, music, technology, environmental issues, animal welfare, and contemporary culture keeps my mind sharp and my ideas relevant.

Meanwhile, I continue to work toward greater self-acceptance. 

Thank you, Miss Kitty.